By Gomez and Mirabeau
G: So, like, there’s this opera about Lindsay called “Lohangrin.” I guess she smiles a lot and wears a magical necklace in it.
G: Anyway, Elsie, the Borden cow, is in love with a vision.
M: (sigh) Elsa.
G: That’s what I said. Only she watches lots of Telemundo, and forgets to babysit her brother Gilbert Gottfried, so he goes missing and now Telemundo’s mad at her and accuses her of killing GG.
M: Telramund. Her brother’s name is Gottfried, how the devil did you manage to get that right?
G: So Lindsay arrives in a boat pulled by swans, and rescues Elsie by sword fighting Telemundo, but sparing him. But Orprah is not amused, and issues a warning, via her network, OWN, the “Orprah Warning Network.”
M: Ortrud. She tries to instill doubt in Elsa by telling her that if Lohengrin arrived magically and quickly, he may also depart that way.
G: What kind of dumb chick gets engaged to someone who won’t even tell her his name or introduce her to his family? So what if they have a holy relic or a Stanley Cup?
M: Lohengrin is Parsifal’s son, and comes from Montsalvat, home of the Knights of the Grail. They all perform miraculous good deeds, but none may reveal their identities or the enchantment is over.
G: With me, the enchantment is over as soon as they realize I’m only three feet tall.
G: Well, anyhow, they all march down the aisle to the Bridal Chorus, better known as “Here Comes da Bride”! In B-Flat.
M: Fewer weddings would use that music if they really knew how the story turns out for the bride.
G: Riiiiiight? So Elsie, as soon as the vows are over, asks Lindsay her name. She wants to make sure she’s not marrying a woman. Telemundo breaks in and is killed by Lindsay! Makes the little necklace deal seem insignificant.
M: And Lohengrin sadly reveals his identity to the entire population, saying that he will now have to leave. If only Elsa had kept her vow for a year, her “dead” brother would have reappeared alive. Elsa, heartbroken, watches Lohengrin prepare to depart on the swan boat, but first an apparition of the Grail appears over his head, followed by Gottfried, who was really the swan. It is Lohengrin’s final charitable act. Gottfried will be the new king of the Brabantines. (That’s tenth century Antwerp politics for you.)
G: So she gets her brother back, but loses Lohan?
M: Duh, winning.
© 2011 by Frank Daykin, for Innovative Music Programs